Hey, my lovely readers, how have you been? I know I have been missing again in the blogging world because I enjoyed my work so much. I work as a bridal makeup artist and hair stylist, for some of you that don’t know. So here I am sitting and writing about something I really want to share to you as my first comeback. I wrote this in the hope that if someone out there who is experiencing same thing as me, their strengths will be renewed and their minds will be enlightened, knowing that they are not alone in this world. You are not alone (hugs)
It is my story about a low self confidence.
I was someone who struggled with low self-esteem for over the course of my life. I seek validation through the world and the people within. I want to know that I am accepted in this world by looking from that certain person or group of people. I want to know that I am worthy in their eyes. I want to know that I am loved by giving more and more love so I can have some in return. But it is not enough. I try again and harder because I thought I do not give enough. But the more I give, the more I feel exhausted. I am depleted.
The situation does not end there. I struggle also with verbal abuse in my adulthood by someone close to me and I trust. I still did not realize that friendship is toxic to me. And I do not know that it is actually verbal abuse because that person can manipulate the situation and make me believe that the blame is on me. I experience intimidation, humiliation, and degradation through the abuse that leads me to depression. I almost run to the train station to end my pain.
I feel really weak so I decide to try to cure the damaged version of myself. Maybe that person is right, I have personality problem that I have to get it fixed. I seek counsel from the experts. It is that moment that my caring and patient psychologist points out that my friendship is unhealthy and that person treats me like a child to gain the feeling of superiority.
But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high – The Book of Psalm
I am relieved for the first time. I realize it is the right time to gain back my self-esteem, confidence and courage. I am really grateful for the small support group from church. It is my leader that keep sowing the faith-fueling seeds in my heart. She plants God’s words in my heart and everything what He thinks about me. My lips echo the words out loud. I believe faith is also a verbal act of confession so we, ourselves, can literally listen to it. The first words I speak were “I am completely accepted, extremely valuable, and deeply loved in the eyes of God. And that what matters the most” with different intonation and speed as the words sink in deep within my heart. Not only speak the words but I also take the time to search for the truth and learn the why I said what I said. That makes me understand more so that the words entrenched deep into my roots.
I feel a small fire in me lights up as I echo the words. And it keeps growing and growing until it becomes something. Something that I can call that it is my unshakeable faith. The feeling is magical and real when I am able to get back to my feet and gain my life back. I see the world with a whole new perspective. The constant put-downs or negative energy that used to get me does not affect me anymore. I stand strong and not easily broken down. I no longer need to seek acceptance from people anymore because I acknowledge that I am completely accepted, extremely valuable, and deeply loved by God.
And that what matters the most.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. – The Book of Isaiah
Photo courtesy of my fiance, a talented photographer, my long time supporter, Yosia Urip
Location: Top of The Rock, New York