I often visualize myself coming into a new island, a new society after going out from darkness. Half a year ago I said I want to run for the horizon, I want to run for the sunshine with my renewed mind. Infinite hope is in my heart. My love tank is full. I smile delightfully and greet every person I meet along the road, introduce myself as a newcomer. I spread happiness. I take chance and opportunity whenever they are available. I have new and fun experiences that I have never encountered before. I slowly grow as a person. I tell people my stories. They are impressed. I tell people my struggles. They are inspired. They even put my story in the local bulletin board. I feel like my face radiates sunbeams.
For a while I keep moving around finding my fit in society. I interact with a lot of people from different backgrounds, groups, personalities, age, and talents. I start feeling valued and needed. My heart wants to help people who are in the place where I have been. I go around to listen and encourage them, touch hearts and reignite hope. I give people my time, my ears, my words, and my heart. I feel like I have found myself.
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. – Proverbs 4:23 NLT
But along the road, my love tank becomes low, even drained. I have literally lost in the shadow of others that I do not become fully aware of my existence. Not only that, I also meet crossroads where the road maps are unknown.
Sometimes in life we spend too much time focusing on other people. And without our awareness, we let them define us what they want to look in us. We impress, we dress, we talk, we behave the way they want us to be. Not mentioning morals, but too often we are set a certain definition of being ‘normal’ or ‘appropriate’. Thus, we can lose our unique characters here. Not forgetting to mention, our dreams.
Too much focus on people around me and become very attached in their lives, I forget my own goal to run for the horizon for a moment. I forget to dream what kind of horizon I want to chase. Is it the orange tangerine with yellow gradient, the dancing indigo in the dusk or the airbrushed cobalt blue horizon. I forget about the sunshine is still waiting for me. The hope of a desired future.
Walter Mitty: When are you going to take it?
Sean O’Connell: Sometimes I don’t. If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just want to stay in it.
Walter Mitty: Stay in it?
Sean O’Connell: Yeah. Right there. Right here.
(The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, 2014)
There is a point where we have to stop looking around and finding answers. The point where we cut the lines to just sit back and take a walk around the grass. I think we should spend time more and reconnect with nature, to look up to the tall trees and onto the sky above. To enjoy the shining stars up in the galaxy. To realize how small we are and how short time we have on this earth, that every minute is so precious to lose.
I draw back to my hermit state for several days . I reflect and restructure my priorities. I dream again.
I like to stay busy, I like to stay focused, and I like to stay creative. Without being creative I’d be dead. – Jeremy Renner
Above all, I purify my heart. My motives and intentions. My soul is replenished. My love tank is full with the love of my own being. I want to walk with my heart. I learn to fall in love with myself again. I learn to obtain back my confidence. I learn to be back to my true colors. The crossroads are always foggy and misty. Unclear. Unknown. But I am determined to just step to the unknown. Though my feet may fail, I will allow myself to run if I can. If I cannot run, I will walk. If I cannot walk, I will crawl. Just one step at a time. Brick by brick, I am in the right track.
Because I realize, as George Bernard Shaw said, life is not about finding yourself, but to create yourself.